Excited about the future

     First of all let me start by saying how excited I am that my brother in law Jesse has finally found the right girl!  The first night I met her I knew that she was great for him.  I even sent him a text and told him that he would end up marrying her.  She is just a sweet, normal, down to earth, southern girl.  That is really all I have ever wanted in a sister in law.  If he screws this up and does not marry her I will murder him!  I say all this to get to my point. This past Saturday I sent Kelly a text to see how her last OB appointment had gone.  We were texting back and forth when she told me that she had just run a 5k.  I was shocked.  Homegirl ran a 5k and she is like 13 weeks preggo.  She is like superwoman or something.  Anyhow, I told her that one of my bucket list items was to run a 5k.  Her response, I will teach you to run.  I was floored.  How sweet!  Needless to say to those of you who know me well, my only GA sister in law on Lee's side has never been nice to me like this.  It felt so refreshing.  This is truly the kind of sister in law I have always prayed for.  Don't get me wrong, Brandon's wife Lisa is great, and she always does kind things for me too.  I just don't have anyone here in GA on Lee's side, until now :)
     So, Kelly quickly informed me what shoes to get and asked me if I was available this coming Saturday to train.  I feel a little bad because I don't think she realizes that I have literally been in bed sick for the last year.  Oh well, I am determined so we will get there together!  I went Monday and got the Nike plus and sensor.  I also downloaded tons of running songs onto my iPhone.  I got the couch to 5K ap and was ready to get started Tuesday.  Of course I wake up Tuesday not feeling well.  By the time I got home I fell into bed and did not get up until around lunch time Wednesday.  The evil stomach virus had attacked!  The good new is I think I am just about over it.  No matter what I am doing some sort of working out tomorrow.  I cannot let this super sweet girl down.
     Hopefully you will be hearing more from me soon on my training and plans to run my first 5k.  I won't lie though, I will probably be writing about my lovely sister in law to be and my future niece or nephew too.  Until then, I am just excited about the future!

On the Road to Recovery

     I am happy to report that I finally have a diagnosis and am on the road to being normal again!!!  My new endocrinologist was literally a gift from God.  I had many friends praying for me before I went to the appointment.  I prayed every day that she would be the doctor to make me better.  I even submitted a prayer request to K-Love.  When she walked into the exam room, she asked a ton of questions about my medical history and looked at my lab work. She then told me that my thyroid was fine and that all my symptoms were from depression.  I began to argue with her.  My mom stopped me. My mom said "listen to her, she's right."  I began to cry because it all made sense.  My new doctor said "Are you a Christian?"  I whispered yes through my tears.  She told me that nothing is by chance, God has a reason for everything.  She said that I was led to her by God and that the Holy Spirit was working through her to diagnose me. 
      I was diagnosed with hashimotos a year and a half ago.  I have said from day one that I know there is something else wrong with me but the doctors just haven't figured it out yet.  When I left my new doctor's office last Friday I no longer felt that there was something still left undiagnosed.  I have depression.  My first feeling was relief.  Thank God that we finally know what it is. Thank God it is not life threatening.  My next feeling was anger.  Why in the world didn't any of my other doctor's realize this?  Why had it taken so long to get this diagnosed?  My next feeling was sadness.  I just missed out on a year and a half of my life over something as easily treatable as depression.  That sucks!!!
     I went to my primary doctor first thing Monday.  Of course she referred me to the coliseum hospital because they can get you referred to a psychiatrist quicker than a doctor's office.  After talking to the sweet, sweet nurse at the coliseum she informed me that my depression was all chemical.  Basically, I have no major issues in my life causing the depression.  A chemical imbalance in my brain is the cause.  She said that it could be that my post pardem depression could have just lingered and gotten worse, or the hashimotos could have caused depression.  She also said that because the symptoms of hashimoto's and depression are so close to one another it made perfect sense that I never realized it was depression.  That made me feel better! She referred me to a psychiatrist.  Tuesday I was able to get an appointment with the psychiatrist and he doubled the medication I was already on for depression/anxiety.  I go back to see him next week to check on how things are going.  I am not back to the old me yet, but I can tell already that the medication is working.  I don't feel as apathetic about things.  I am not as tired all the time, and I genuinely have more interest in the people in my life.  I am so looking forward to feeling the full effects of my medication and getting back to normal!
     I have to be honest and tell you that I almost decided not to blog about the fact that I was diagnosed with depression.  I don't know why there is such a stupid stigma attached to mental illnesses.  In the end I decided that if I was so open and honest about my other illnesses why not be as open and honest about this one?  Plus I really wanted to share the amazing way that God worked in my life to get me the help I needed.  Miracles happen every day and prayer does work.  I have always believed this, but I love it when I get to witness it first hand.
    Thank you to all of my wonderfully supportive friends and family members, and to the people I don't even know who may have read this and prayed for me.  I can never repay you for the part you played in helping me get my life back!!!

No filter - Sorry if I offend you!

     First of all something is seriously wrong with my body.  I don't know what it is because I am not a doctor, but I know my body and I know it is not normal.  I went to my family doctor and she ran all the tests she could.  She recommended that I see my endocrinologist and have him run some specific tests.  I called him and told him that my family doctor wanted those tests run.  When I had my appointment with him this past Monday he told me that he had not run the main test my family doctor wanted me to have.  I kept telling him that I was having multiple symptoms and am not feeling well.  He simply decided to keep my meds the same and sent me on my way.  WHAT THE HECK!?!  So, I promplty did some research and found a new endocrinologist in Atlanta.  I have an appointment with this new doctor Friday.  I really hope that she can provide some answers.  I am so tired of having to feel like crap, tell my friends that I cannot do things with them because I don't feel well, and miss out on life.
      Now, on to my second gripe for today.  Because of all that is going on with my  meds not working properly my anti-depresant/anti-anxiety medicine is pretty much not working at all.  As I explained to my granny, this medicine is what I take to help me be able to be around other people without murdering them.  I have basically turned into my mother in law.  If I think it, I say it (no filter).  So, if you cross me over the next week or so until all gets straight I apologize but you can blame my old endocrinologist who didn't properly do his job!
      This brings me to the subject of friends.  Being sick like this lets you realize who your real friends are.  True friends will invite you to do things, and when you say "I'm sorry, but I am not feeling good.  I want to come, but I can't." they will understand and they will continue to invite you to do things and not treat you differently.  Being sick has led me to see that I had a few "friends" who were not true friends.  It makes me a little sad because I thought that they were good friends, but it also pisses me off because I would not have done that to them.  I really appreciate the many friends I have who have stuck by me and continue to invite me to things.  The friends who ask how I am doing.  The friends who ask if I need anything.  I have even made new friends through work who are going through this roller coaster illness with me.  They have be so supportive and kind and it truly means the world to me. 
      On that note, Thank you Donna, Nicole, Melissa, Jennifer, Lauren, Tarita for being such good friends and sticking by me.  I appreciate your concern, love, support and compassion, and I love you all!
      I never intended this blog to be about my stupid hashimoto's disease but for some stupid reason it has ended up being that way.  I hope and pray that I get well soon and I can start blogging about more important things like gossip, television, shopping, etc. :)

Will it ever get better?

     We were at the Tunes and Balloons last night.  There was a lady with a 4 month old.  She was so thin.  It reminded me of how I lost weight so quickly when Parker was  born.  There I sat with my 26 month old son in my gigantic size 16 shorts.  I have NEVER been this large in my entire life.  It just gets a bit depressing to know that you only gained 18 pounds during pregnancy, and lost 30 after having the baby.  Then you got an aweful, horrible disease and poof you are suddenly 40 pounds heavier.
      Every time I start to lose a few pounds and feel like I am finally getting back to normal something happens, and I am back to being in disapair.  I am just so tired of it all!  I was feeling great, and I had lost a tiny bit of weight and was feeling good about myself.  Then, all of a sudden I gain like 10 pounds.  Not to mention my moods are swining again.  I am having extreme sensitivity to cold again, and I am extremely tired.  I slept all day today.  Guess what? I still feel tired.  My memory is getting worse too.
       I just want to get better.  I have been going through this for a year and a half.  I don't want pitty.  I don't want to be in the spotlight.  I just want to feel and look like myself again.  I keep telling myself that God must have a lesson for me in all of this and I just haven't learned it yet.  Perphaps I have not been kind to fat people, and this is teaching me to be more understanding and less shallow.  Maybe I need to learn to treat people kindly even when they are not kind to me, because you never know what people are going through.  I really don't know what God is trying to teach me.  I just know that I want my health, my body, and my life back.

God and good books

     God constantly amazes me.  I was recently going through some really rough things at work.  I prayed for guidance. In fact, I asked God to give me a map of where I needed to go with my career.  The next day there was a job posting.  The job was one that I have always said I would LOVE to do.  Naturally I applied.  Now I have an interview.  Oddly, I am now conflicted about it all.  If I were offered the job should I take it?  Why am I always so nervous and questioning things?  I have been praying non-stop that God will just make His will clear to me.  I need guidance more than ever.  Why must I be so hard headed?  Why did I ask God for a map and now I am questioning it?  This is all just so hard.  Any advice on this would be much appreciated!!!
      On another note, I just finished reading The Hunger Games trillogy.  I LOVED these books.  I must say that I am sad that I am done reading these books.  As with any good book, especially a series, I almost mourn the loss of the characters when I am finished reading.  I have deeloped a realtionship with these people.  When they are gone I truly miss them.  Perhaps I get too invested in what I read.  I really just can't help it though.  Does this make me crazy?
      

My baby boy is turning 2

    I cannot believe that my little man is going to be 2 this Friday.  On one hand he gets more and more grown up every day.  On the other hand, it seems like just yesterday he was learning to crawl.  I have very mixed emotions about him turning two.  Part of me is very happy and excited.  I realize that the older he gets the more he can do.  I love watching how smart he is.  I love to see how much he is learning, and how quickly he catches on.  I look foward to things we can do in the future.  Like when he will start to play sports, his first day of school, watching movies together, etc.
    Another part of me is very sad and wants time to stand still.  It is truly amazing how quickly he has grown up.  It baffles me how much children change in their first few years of life.  I realize that while he loves hugs, kisses and cuddling with me and daddy now, that will end all to soon.  This realization makes me very sad and brings tears to my eyes.
     I think that part of my problem is the fact that I don't know if we will be able to have more children.  My hashimotos affects fertility, and I am on some medications that I cannot take were I to get pregnant.  I really want to have another child someday, but we are not sure yet if that is something that can/should happen.  Because the possiblity of another child is not certain to me it makes me cling to every little thing Parker does.  I guess it is kind of a good thing!  I tell myself that he is the only child I will ever be able to have.  So, I try to cherish the simplest things.  I know that I should be doing this regardless, but I don't think I would if I knew for sure that I could have another child.
     Anyhow, I love my son with all of my heart.  He has brought so much joy and laughter to my life.  He is a jokester, a genius, and a sweetheart all wrapped up into one.  I thank God everyday for giving me the opportunity to raise this precious little boy.  Happy 2nd birthday (January 27th) to best child a mother could ever ask for!  Parker, you were truly made for me, I love you!

Living with Hashimotos Disease sucks!

     As some of you may know I have a condition called Hashimoto's Disease (HD).  HD is a thyroid condition that causes your immune system to attack your thyroid gland.  I was first diagnosed about a year and a half ago.  My symptoms were extreme fatigue, anxiety, depression, increased sensitivity to cold, muscle pain and weakness, and extreme weight gain (30 lbs.).  I have since found an amazing endocrinologist who has been instrumental in getting me on the correct dosage of medication and making sure that my symptoms are managed.  The damn 30lbs. are still here though.

    I have been reading a lot lately about how diet can help improve your symptoms in hashimotos, and your hashimotos weight gain.  It is hard to work out because I am usually tired.  My therapist has recommended yoga.  I was really excited about it, so I bought a mat and a set of dvds.  I am still excited, but have yet to start.

     I have been seeing a therapist because hashimotos has really done a number on me.  Many people, my family and myself included, don't have a clue how many things the thyroid controls.  Your digestion, temperature, joints, muscles, reproduction, metabolism, and brain all are controlled by the thyroid.  When my thyroid stopped working properly so did my brain.  I have always been the smart girl.  I can't sing, can't dance, don't have a damn talent to my name, but I was smart!  After doing so well in my masters program I decided that I was definitely going to get my PhD.  Now that my brain has been ruined that dream is gone.  I no longer have the memory I used to, and I don't think the way I used to be able to.

     I'm not gonna lie, there are days when I cry and get pissed because I am not the me I used to be.  Most days I just tell myself that this is just the way it is.  I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason.  God would not have this happen to me unless there were a reason, so I need to suck it up and deal.  Most days I do.  Some days, though, it really just sucks!