Forgiveness

My new motto for life is: forgiven people forgive.  We are all forgiven people.  God sacraficed his only son so that we could be forgiven of our sins.  If God was willing to do that to forgive us we should be willing to forgive others no matter what, right?  Sometimes it just isn't that easy. I want it to be.  I work really hard at forgiveness.  It is my favorite part of God.  I love it so much that I really want to get a white ink tattoo of the word forgiven on my inner left wrist.  That still doesn't mean that I don't have a hard time forgiving others.

I recently had a falling out with a family member.  This particular family member and I have always had a hard time getting along.  It is normal for us to be getting along fine and then all of a sudden someone gets upset and we don't talk for months.  I HATE it.  I know that my family member hates it too.  I realized that it is not just the other person.  It is me too. I decided to own my part of the problem.  I apologized and admitted what I had done wrong.  I was pleasantly surprised that my family member apologized too.  We each explained our points of view and now we better understand where the other person is coming from.  Isn't it amazing how God works like that?  You finally give in to your stupid pride and follow God and good things come of it.

Those of you who know me well know that my father is not in the picture.  He left us when I was around 3 years old.  He has tried to make contact over the years but never followed through.  I contacted him when I was a junior at Mercer.  I told him that I didn't care about everything in the past and that I just wanted to build a relationship and move forward.  He agreed.  I gave him all of my contact informaion.  I told him that the ball was in his court.  That was the last time I ever heard from him.  That was 8 years ago.  That is the one person I have still yet to forgive. I just cannot understand how you don't want to know  your children.  I am not asking for anything.  I don't need money, I have already been raised, and I don't need a daddy (My mom filled in for that).  I would just like to build a relationship with him.  To get to know this other half of me and to have him know me.  It just still makes me very sad and angry.  If I am honest with myself and with you it truly breaks my heart.  It is so hard to know that one of the 2 people in your life who are supposed to love you unconditionally, your parents, doesn't want you.  Like I said I am working on forgiving him.  Prayer works so I continue to pray.  I would appreciate your prayers as well :)

On a happier note I went to visit my father's mom today.  I have not visited with my grandmother Hammontree since I was probably about 15 years old.  I am ashamed to say that is has been that long.  I have kept in touch with her over the years.  I have struggled with this relationship as well.  For a very long time I felt like she should attempt to see me, she should keep the relationship going.  I felt like she was the adult in the relationship and it was her responsibility.  I also wondered if she even cared.  Deep down I think I knew that she cared, but part of me wondered if she cared because my dad didn't.  Seeing her today was wonderful.  I got to see pictures of family members.  We discussed our health, our beliefs in God (which happen to be identical), Parker, and so many other things.  I showed her our wedding album.  I also had questions for her about my father.  Of course she didn't have the answers.  Only he does.  I am happy to say that I will be going back to see her again next Tuesday and I am taking Parker to meet her.  I want her to become a part of my life again.  I want to talk to her weekly and see her as often as I can.  I missed out on that side of the family for too long.  I thank God that he put it in my heart to contact her and request a visit.  I thank God he led me to forgive any ill feelings that I had towards her.

I am happy to be moving forward with my Grandmother and other family member.  I hope and pray that I can continue to have productive, loving relationships with them.  I also pray that I can continue to work on my feelings towards my father and eventually forgive him.  I also realize that I need to pray for him too.  Forgiveness is a hard thing, but if God can forgiveness there is no reason why we cannot forgive one another.